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Student’s Claim He "Doesn’t Even Know Where the Library Is" Greatly Exaggerated for Effect
AMES – Confirming a widely held hypothesis, a new study published yesterday concluded that Iowa State University junior Carter Eisbach’s claim he “doesn’t even know where the library is” to be a wildly inflated piece of hyperbole grossly overstated for effect.
Eisbach’s claim of ignorance as to the location of Parks Library, which is in fact nestled at the heart of Iowa State’s picturesque 1,800-acre campus, has been pronounced to multiple parties over the course of his time at Iowa State.
Presumably intended to impress his peers, Eisbach’s claim has instead produced concern. “What kind of effect is he going for here? Abject ignorance?” one acquaintance, speaking on condition of anonymity, commented. “Does he think that makes him sound cool? Honestly, it just makes me feel sorry that he can’t read a map.”
The study found the fantastical statement began with smaller claims which had to be continuously ratcheted up and distorted for effect, until Eisbach was ultimately left with no room but to claim ignorance on even the basic location of a 325,000 square-foot building that receives over two million visitors annually.
David Nunez, who lived on the 5th floor of Willow Hall with Eisbach his sophomore year, said the study proved his long-held suspicions. “I knew he was full of it,” Nunez said. “It just didn’t add up. He had to take Library 160 – I mean, everyone has to take that class in order to graduate. So he had to go to the library for that, right? I think we can certainly say he’s at least walked through the doors.”
Eisbach’s outrageous hyperbole as to a lack of geospatial awareness or even the basic ability to notice an enormous slate-gray building located on the west lawn near Durham and Marston Halls also alarmed long-time friend Leiah Curry. “What’s next? ‘I don’t even know what a book is? How do I turn a page?’ What a bonehead.”
As of press time, Eisbach’s vastly more depressing claim that he’s “never read a book in [his] life” could not be immediately verified.
Eisbach’s claim of ignorance as to the location of Parks Library, which is in fact nestled at the heart of Iowa State’s picturesque 1,800-acre campus, has been pronounced to multiple parties over the course of his time at Iowa State.
Presumably intended to impress his peers, Eisbach’s claim has instead produced concern. “What kind of effect is he going for here? Abject ignorance?” one acquaintance, speaking on condition of anonymity, commented. “Does he think that makes him sound cool? Honestly, it just makes me feel sorry that he can’t read a map.”
The study found the fantastical statement began with smaller claims which had to be continuously ratcheted up and distorted for effect, until Eisbach was ultimately left with no room but to claim ignorance on even the basic location of a 325,000 square-foot building that receives over two million visitors annually.
David Nunez, who lived on the 5th floor of Willow Hall with Eisbach his sophomore year, said the study proved his long-held suspicions. “I knew he was full of it,” Nunez said. “It just didn’t add up. He had to take Library 160 – I mean, everyone has to take that class in order to graduate. So he had to go to the library for that, right? I think we can certainly say he’s at least walked through the doors.”
Eisbach’s outrageous hyperbole as to a lack of geospatial awareness or even the basic ability to notice an enormous slate-gray building located on the west lawn near Durham and Marston Halls also alarmed long-time friend Leiah Curry. “What’s next? ‘I don’t even know what a book is? How do I turn a page?’ What a bonehead.”
As of press time, Eisbach’s vastly more depressing claim that he’s “never read a book in [his] life” could not be immediately verified.